the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
