I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
