Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
