I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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