I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
