she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
