we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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