There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
being pregnant is like rehab
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
