I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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