I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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