When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize