i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
