Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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