Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
