I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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