i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
