Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
