I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize