giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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