party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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