She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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