If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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