If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
