My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
