It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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