He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize