Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
