There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
