I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
