Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
