I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
