just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
