Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
