I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
