Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
