The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
