Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
