Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
