I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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