I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize