im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
