ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize