why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
