and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
