last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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