i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't turn off my feet"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
