Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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