Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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