here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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