you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i will never coherently bang her
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
