Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
