my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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