What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
