I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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