if i can run in heels then i can drive
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
