I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize