Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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