Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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