It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
