Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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