I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
